Cinderella – Push, Push

Picture the scene.

It’s 1985 in Cabo San Lucas. Sammy Hagar has just found out he got the Van Halen gig and is laying on the beach with a bottle of tequila four fifths drunk. It’s his second bottle of the day. He hasn’t eaten for fourteen hours. The sun has beaten down on him firecely as he has drained both bottles.

He wobbles back to his beach-front property at 3am and wakes up his woman, stating that he is of an amorous disposition. She realizes that a horny Hagar won’t quit until he gets what he wants. He rolls on top. After five minutes of ineffective fumbling she says “For f***’s sake Sammy, it’s like you’re trying to thumb a marshamallow into a penne tube! No amount of push, push is gonna work! Just go to your studio and write a damn song!” Sammy apologies, belches, then wobbles off to his ocean-facing studio space and pens a lyric.

Just after noon the next day, Sammy is awoken by the sound of his cleaner in the next room. His head pounds. He sees the lyric sheet, reads it, and exclaims aloud “It’s gettin’ sticky. I thought she might miss me??? How drunk was I???” He laughs ruefully, crumples the paper, tosses it into the garbage, and leaves.

The maid enters the room to empty the garbage and notices the discarded lyric sheet lying atop the pile of cigarette packets and discarded pizza boxes. She pockets the paper, intending to pass it on to the cute guitar player she met in the summer up in her home town of Pennsylvania. She thinks his name was Tom, or Tommy or something.

That fall, she goes back home to visit family and sees the young guitarist again and hands him the sheet saying “Sammy Hagar wrote this and tossed it – maybe you could use it!”. Young Tommy’s eyes light up as he reads the words written by one of his musical idols. He brings it to the band the next day and they write a stock riff, a moderately interesting bridge section and nothing else of note, then take it into the studio to record for their debut album. The song makes the album and the Red Rocker never realizes his part in rock n roll infamy.

That’s what this song sounds like; some lazy, drunken bullshit written by a hammered Sammy Hagar in ten minutes after pushing rope for five frustrating minutes. It’s stock. It’s boring. It’s so far beneath Tom Kiefer that even Dante didn’t imagine a circle of hell subterranean enough to hold it.

I’d rather listen to a heavily-constipated Lars Ulrich arrhythmically shitting undigested coffee beans onto a rusty cowbell than ever hear this inelegant, third rate, grade school garbage ever again.

Whole Lotta Love : Great song about sex
Whole Lotta Rosie : Great song about sex
Push, Push: Whole lotta dogshit

Thankfully I’ll die one day, my consciousness will fade to the whisper of a memory of the man and, mercifully, there will be no chance of “Push, Push” ever again offending my ears.

I hate this song.

I award it ZERO points on the Haskin Scale.

Good day sirs.

I said GOOD DAY!!!

This was originally written for my pals at Mixtapes From Hell, on their Discord server. If you want to listen to the song, and I can’t imagine why you would, you can find it below.