Most Decent Men

Harvey Weinstein isn’t he first Hollywood exec to abuse his position. He may not even be the worst. Unfortunately, I’m also positive that he definitely won’t be the last…

The sheer number of victims who are coming forward in this case is disturbing though and it’s somewhat jarring to think that some of these women are actresses at the top of the game. It’s also jarring to think that actors and actresses have known about this for a long time and done nothing at all, for a variety of reasons.

The response has been stunningly predictable. Outrage and condemnation from the Hollywood fraternity and (most of) the media. Nothing at all from the sexual predator currently sitting as the 45th President who, presumably, doesn’t see what all the fuss is about. I’m sure he and Harvey are great friends. All the dirty old men will be frantically meeting with their legal teams and I’ve no doubt threats and menaces will have been issued to countless actresses who literally will “never work again in this town ” if they say anything. Women are being blamed either directly or indirectly. A whole bunch or people are mishandling the whole thing spectacularly and some people are doing an amazing job of fighting this fight ferociously and directly (@rosemcgowan has been amazing). But, in a couple of months another mass shooting, terrorist attack or outburst from the Dotard in Chief well distract everyone enough to either forget about it or redirect their outrage.

“Most decent men” will look at Harvey Weinstein and consider him to be what he is; a lowlife piece of crap. A sexual predator. A rapist. Most decent men would never treat women that way, even in a position of authority. Most decent men will speak up and condemn his actions (hey look, I’m doing it right now). Unfortunately, most decent men will also continue being part of the problem.

Misogyny is so ingrained in most of us (men), from such an early age that sometimes I think we either don’t realize it or don’t like to admit and deal with it. It’s not open or deliberate hostility to women and in most cases when it’s pointed out to us we recoil from it and change our behaviour, but it’s been ingrained into us since childhood.

Don’t be such a girl.
You hit like a girl.
You throw like a girl.
The weaker/fairer sex.
Real men don’t… (Insert ridiculous generalization)
Real men… (Insert ridiculous generalization)
Man up.
Grow some balls.
Be a man.

It’s just always been OK to assume some sort of superiority because you were born male, based purely on the language that defined strong people (men) from weak people. Add in the jokes about blondes, about (menstrual) bleeding, etc. and the way women are consistently portrayed in the media. These things end up being completely acceptable to men, sometimes only in the company of other men, but acceptable all the same. The deck is so completely stacked that way that it’s no wonder that these types of scandals keep happening.

There is definite peer pressure to join in that type of lewd group think and “banter” and most decent men tacitly understand that it’s all “just a bit of a laugh”, or “tongue in cheek” (queue frat boy chuckling at the inference). That’s not to say that most decent men actually really think that way, but I think that by either participating reluctantly or not calling out that kind of sentiment, we’re not doing enough to change anything.

I used to “wittily” call Serena Williams “Steve”. Why? Because she had an athletic figure and strong features. Arguably the greatest sportswoman of all time reduced to a, frankly easy and lazy, punchline based purely on her looks. A woman who not only came into a very traditionally white, male dominated sports establishment and fought and won equal pay for female players. Not equal treatment. Not yet. Women still have to wear skirts at Wimbledon and are forced to deal with interview questions about their hair and their clothes.  It’s just ingrained. I’ve had plenty of conversations with groups of male friends in which women were reduced to objects as meaningful and human as a car or a sofa. It’s not something I’m proud of and it’s something I was never overly comfortable with. I made sure I cracked all the right jokes and laughed heartily in the right places. I never felt great about doing it but I certainly never spoke up or walked away. I think it’s time I did speak up.

I know that this shouldn’t need to be a reason, but having daughters and coaching female athletes has definitely made me more aware of these issues and makes me more sensitive to them. It turns my stomach to think of one of my kids, or one of the kids I’ve coached, being subjected to the type of psychological and/or physical abuse that women simply deal with on a day to day basis. It makes me feel equally nauseous to think that I’ve been complicit in that to a degree by going with the flow and not saying anything. From now on, I’m going to make a very conscious effort to change that.

Most decent men need to start speaking up, particularly with and to each other. Most decent men need to stop making casually sexist comments, especially around their sons.  Above all, most decent men need to stop pretending that because they’re not openly misogynistic, that they’re not part of the problem.

I’ll try my best and I’d appreciate being called out any time I get it wrong.